EPP Clothing-Pants

Imagine a blistering hot summer without shorts. I only own two pairs, one for swimming at indoor pools and the other for lazing around the house on an exceptionally hot day.

I don’t really know what it feels like to wear shorts outside in the summer time. Sure, I’ve worn them at night on occasion, but I am told that exposing hairy legs to a nice breeze on a hot day feels good. To me, it is as foreign a concept to imagine as authentically wearing a Scottish kilt likely is to you. If you wear a kilt regularly, then imagine instead wearing a tutu. If you regularly wear a kilt and tutu, then imagine wearing an inflatable yellow rubber duckie waist float. If you regularly wear a kilt, a tutu, and a rubber duckie, then good on you for your open disdain of conformism.

There isn’t much to say about pants, except that Denim or Canvas seem to work just fine for all my needs. The pants shown above were provided to me by my employer because they are Flame Resistant rated. They work well for blocking visible light.

I do need to watch out for my ankles, or be careful when I’m wearing thinner slacks, but generally the other parts of my body are at a greater risk of overexposure than my lower half. Shoes are usually acceptable sun protection for my feet, although I can’t wear flip-flops or sandals.

Once the final realization begins to really sink in for my colleagues, I am usually asked, without fail, “So, you’ve never been to the beach?” If you’re wondering if I have ever had the satisfaction of feeling hot, dry sand in between my toes as I run half-naked across the gloriously sunny beach to dive headfirst into the the ocean for a wonderfully contrasting cool swim in saltwater among sea-critters (credit for the accuracy of this description goes to the writers of most “beach literature”), then the answer is, no, I don’t know what that feels like.

But, I’m guessing you may not know what it feels like to privately laugh inside while everyone around you in an air conditioned building is complaining about how hot they are.

Allow me to explain:

You see, because I wear such heavy clothing in the summer time, my body becomes acclimated to a much higher ambient temperature than that of most other people who live in my part of the country. While the outside ambient temperature in the summer may be 90-95°F (32-35°C), within the confines of my sun-protective gear it’s closer to 110°F (43°C). On days like this, the air conditioning inside the average building strains against the combination of outdoor temperature and the elevated mass of body heat to achieve a measly 75-80°F (23-26°C) indoors. While that is barely an acceptable 10-20°F (9-12°C) difference to the rest of you, to me it is a whole 30-35°F (17-20°C) cooler. So, secretly being the only one who isn’t miserable indoors too has a devilishly satisfying feel to it.

Muahahaha!

What? You thought this blog would be about how innocent I am as a sufferer of a rare genetic disorder? Well, I like to spice it up with a little bit of real humanity every now and then.

If you want to know the feeling of satisfaction from laughing at your colleagues as they complain about the indoor heat, you always have the option of dressing like an Eskimo outside for a whole summer. Maybe one day there will be a cure and I will finally know the feeling of being at the beach.

Until then, forgive me my little indulgences.

To learn about my other articles of clothing, click on the related links below.

Hat

Gloves

Mask

Overcoat

Overview

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